Many would think that as a nurse, I would have been more aware of changes that were happening to me. However, I was a busy woman. I was a mother, caring for two children. I was a wife caring for an amazing husband. Finally, I was an employee working full time on night shift. I didn't have time to notice anything about myself. As Laura K. stated during a podcast she "pushed through all sorts of things” as did I. If I did notice something I figured I could explain it away. For example, when my left hand was numb, I would self-diagnose that I had carpal tunnel from using the computer too much at work.
The things that I mentioned above, occurred approximately 15 years prior to diagnosis. During 1 episode in 2007, I experienced one of the three most common symptoms mentioned by Dr. Boster, optic neuritis. I was partially blind in my right eye. Of course, my self-diagnosis kicked in and I attributed this symptom to TMJ. I was experiencing a lot of stress (new job, long move, rural to urban...). I decided that I was grinding my teeth which affected my eye. Now, feel free to judge me. I realize that I made some significant assumptions about myself. Although I did go to the eye doctor. The eye doctor said he didn't see anything wrong. I decided to just "push through it". It resolved about a week later.
The National Institute of Neurology has posted that the first symptoms of multiple sclerosis include:
- Vision problems
- Muscle weakness
- Tingling and numbness
- Clumsiness (Such as difficulty with balance when walking)
- Bladder difficulty
As I neared my diagnosis, I was experiencing nearly all the symptoms listed above. Another podcast that I listened to shared “when your legs or arms work but then they suddenly don't work - It's time to go see a doctor, something isn't right". I spent so much time making excuses that I prolonged my diagnosis. Roughly 20 years, call me a procrastinator...
Brooke Eby recently spoke on the podcast MeSsy. She is 35 now but when she was 29 she started limping. She was not a procrastinator like myself. She went to the doctor. She tried physical therapy, stretching, and working out. The doctor she went to thought she had pinched a nerve. She went through several tests such as X-rays, cat scans and MRI's. She was not diagnosed with MS. At 33 she was diagnosed with a different devastating diagnosis, ALS or also known as Lou Gehrig disease.
- I was not a person who cried but I suddenly cried about everything.
- I was a person who had an easy laugh but suddenly was angry
- I had a mixed drink 1-3 times per month but I began drinking 3/4 of a fifth of vodka in 1 night
It has been recommended often that a person should take someone to the neurology appointment. I have to wholeheartedly agree with this advice. My husband accompanied me to my appointment. He shared things that I was going through that I didn't take into consideration. He could see me clearly. He saw the changes that were happening. The neurologist took my history, did a physical exam and ordered a MRI of my brain (with/without contrast). EVERYTHING (the history, physical & MRI) had abnormalities. The MRI showed approximately 20 scattered lesions.
Kathy, another person who I listened to on a podcast stated "don't ignore your body". I wish I could say that I 100% follow that advice. I acknowledge some things, self monitor others & ignore some. What I have LEARNED is to know my own body. I have learned methods to help my body. I cannot say that I adhere perfectly to all I should do. If I did a report card on myself I would give myself 75-80%.
I have recently begun to listen to the podcast MeSsy with Jamie Lynn-Sigler and Christina Applegate. Jamie stated that when she was first diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, she was overwhelmed, in denial and resisted acceptance of her diagnosis of MS. Guess what, I was also in that same place. I shared with my daughter, “just treat me the way you've always done, it's not a big deal”.
Jamie shares in her podcast that she wishes she would have started thinking about her needs sooner. It would have helped her to get to a place of acceptance and finding the right treatment choice for her earlier. In the end or finally, I had to accept that I had multiple sclerosis. It's important to realize that just because you accept that you have multiple sclerosis, it doesn't mean that that you have to enjoy it or like it.
It has taken me 12 years to be at the place I am now. I can live with the new me. It was a very difficult journey the for 12 years. There were a LOT of potholes on my road. Occasionally I still "trip" on one of the potholes. Some may find peace and a way of life earlier than I did. Even though it has taken me 12 years, I think I finally understand where I am at now.
“the credit belongs to the man who is actually the arena the, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood who strives valiantly;... if he fails at least fails while daring greatly”
Teddy Roosevelt
Those of us with multiple sclerosis and the people that stand with us are in the arena. We are marred by dust and sweat and blood. But we are there and those who are not there should not or cannot comment/voice on the new person we are becoming.
Who am I? I am me.
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